Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
This is my third draft, with comments from Mr. Nollan and a few peers.
If you had a chance to accomplish one of your wildest dreams, would you strive for it? However [The connection between these first two sentences is unclear.] , your parents told you to go to an event that you had zero interest in. Would you follow their directions instead of accomplishing that dream you longed for? Without doubt, the majority of you all would choose the first choice. [Your introduction has potential, but the way you’ve phrased it doesn’t come across all that clearly. Part of it is your reliance on “first choice” and “second choice” instead of what it really is.] However, I chose the second choice. Why? Because risk takers would profit from the learning experience. Through a rare opportunity to join Watoto’s service trip, my decisions, service skills, and views on Africa have dramatically changed positively.
First of all, Watoto’s service trip has made my decision making stronger. Before the trip, I didn’t want to go at all. I stubbornly questioned myself, “Should I go there… Should I? But I don’t like this place!” It is at that moment where I realized that my heart and my body were fighting. So I prayed to God for wisdom and guidance for many months. Then, on the interview day, the interviewers asked me, “Do you want to join this service trip?” I knew this was a crucial decision to make, but I did not hesitate to answer, “Yes!” It was at that moment that I knew I could make decisions instantly [except that you thought and prayed about it for months! ] without any regrets.
Besides decision making, I also tackled one of my weaknesses – service skills. I had a pessimistic view towards serving, and I was not willing to serve others. However, I saw that the African children had way fewer properties [odd way to say it.] than we had, yet they had a heart of loving others. So I decided to give my best into what I could do. I gave my sweat and blood to help set up a spring well for the community, looking towards the reward of a fully functional spring well that the villagers could benefit from. Through this event, I came to a conclusion that the heart was a main component in service. Without love, you cannot serve others.
Finally, I realized my misconceptions about Africa. From a first-world point of view, I thought Africa was a depressing place, because they have very little in their lives. I turned out to be wrong. After giving a go at trying Ugandan culture, I absolutely regretted what I spoke about African culture. Africans love their simplistic, moderate paced lives. Their satisfaction [Maybe the opposite: they were already satisfied…] level was much lower, so they got excited every time they saw a new shirt, a new toy, or even clean water. They also gave thanks for everything they had. Because of that, I got hooked into their realm of optimism. Not only have my viewpoints towards Africa been corrected, I also experienced real happiness from one of the poorest yet happiest countries in the world.
Watoto’s experience trip really turned my decisions, service skills, and African misconceptions around. At the end, the risk was well worth the reward. So, would you still choose the first choice, or take the risk?Better explain this a little more clearly. [At this point in the paper, your reader may not remember the two choices…]
These are comments from my peers who have edited and looked over my essay.
Cherry
Ideas and Content: 4
- Has strong emotion and personal connection
- Idea is a bit cliché
Organization: 5
- Clear progression of ideas
- Transitions tie ideas well together
Kelly Wong
Word Choice: 4
At times there were powerful vocabulary that helped your paper sparkle, and seemed colorful, yet at times there were some vocabulary like “happy” where you could’ve found greater words instead.
Sentence Fluency: 4
Overall the sentences were really smooth, but at the beginning with so many questions that kept occurring sometimes I felt as if it broke the flow, or felt like there were too many.
Ambrose Ho
Voice: 4
I can tell that you are speaking because of the self-questioning and criticism, and I like that you evaluate yourself. To improve your voice, try adding some humor or some stronger emotions.
Mechanics: 3.5
There are a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but nothing that cannot be solved quickly.
Javier Lam Writer's Blog 